The Holidays are a time of joy, peace, and love–right? Even though that is the way it should be, often foster and adoptive families find themselves dreading the season because of the way their children react to it. Kids who have been neglected or abused or who have Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or ADHD, many times experience the month of December with a feeling of anxiety or even anger, making their behaviors worse than ever.

So how should foster and adoptive parents respond during this time? What type of discipline is the most effective in reducing severe behaviors? Can parents prepare ahead for the holiday season–ensuring that they are ready with tools for when the hardest moments arise? Starting with the question of discipline, we’ll give you a few tips.

The definition of discipline is to teach. Teaching requires preparation, thought, and ability to convey a message effectively. As parents, it is easy to punish, shame, and condemn, but it is much more difficult to provide true discipline–which looks like what we typically call training. Consequences, restrictions, and isolation require far less flexibility and patience than diligently training. Misunderstanding and fear drive many behaviors that fostered and adopted children display and recognizing that can be a big step on the road to healing for these kids.

I’m not saying to throw out boundaries–children always need rules and understanding the behavior will do you no good without guidelines for your kids to follow. I am saying that assuming your nine year old knows what the right choice is every time he is faced with a decision is a falsehood. When children are stressed, they revert back to younger developmental ages and thinking–which means their decision making is affected as well. Knowing that, it is easy to see why the holidays would evoke so much bad behavior. If you are stressed during this busy time, you know your formerly neglected and abused child will be!

So what are some tools parents can use this time of the year to make the holiday season go more smoothly?

1. During misbehavior, give yourself time to breathe and think before you act. Ask some questions to determine what may be causing the behavior. Is your son tired? Did he have too much sugar? Has he had enough of you today?

2. Consider if there is a reaction going on to something related to your child’s trauma. This creates in you a sense of understanding that children pick up on–it is immediately calming. If the answer is yes, see if you can eliminate the negative stimuli, thereby cutting down on your child’s stress and poor behavior.

3. Instead of putting her in time out or taking away a favorite toy, act out the right choice together (dare I say you should laugh while doing it?) and put that good choice into her motor memory. That is powerful stuff! It is also training, which is much more effective than punishing.

Whatever you do, don’t do the same thing you’ve been doing, if it doesn’t work! See the difference it makes when you approach your child with understanding and empathy instead of frustration–or worse, condemnation. I think you’ll find your holiday season works out much better!

Bryan Post is a husband and father of two children and also the founder of The Post Institute for Family Centered Therapy. If you would like help with problems like Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Encopresis without punishing your child, click on the blue text to get your free copy of the Parenting Solutions Journal. This publication is dedicated to helping foster and adopted children with severe behavior issues.

Two years ago, shortly after our two new kids had moved in at the ages of 5 and 6, I would have laughed if someone had told me I’d be writing articles to help other families homeschool their traumatized kids. Fortunately, we stumbled into information from the Post Institute for Family Centered Therapy and began to absorb it as quickly as we could. Because of that, and the prayers and incredible presence of our family and friends, our house is now a place of peace.

Home schooling my three kids is one of the greatest joys and most undeniable challenges I’ve ever faced. My kids are 11, 9, and 8 and my biggest trial lies in teaching not only to their intellectual ages, but also to their emotional ages. I am certainly no expert, having home schooled for only five years, but I am hoping to give some good suggestions about establishing routines while still remaining flexible, teaching to a child’s developmental needs without sacrificing academic content, and some curriculum choices we have made in our family that seem to facilitate the type of learning many special needs kids thrive with.

Let’s get started talking about routines. I find that adoptive parents faced with extreme behaviors often do one of two things. They either set up such structure in their childrens’ lives that their kids are stifled and stressed out, or they have no boundaries or expectations at all, choosing to excuse every behavior but never re-training their children in appropriate ways of expression. Neither path is helpful and when you home school there is no where to hide- you are responsible for their education and you have to have a plan.

Watch what your children naturally do during most days. If your kids like to get up early, make sure you are in bed at night early enough to be up before them! If your child is a late riser, don’t force them to get up at the crack of dawn and be grumpy the whole morning (ruining your morning and theirs). These are tweeks you can make as a homeschooling parent–you don’t have to follow the public school schedule. And remember, you have plenty of time to train them for the “real world”. For now, your goal is to have a positive relationship with them first, and then to educate them.

So, how do you teach to a child’s developmental age in the moment, without sacrificing content? Our family accomplishes this in several ways but the biggest is through unit studies. Unit studies are perfect for families because you can bring all the kids under one umbrella for everything accept Math and Phonics. When the younger members (physically or emotionally) get too overwhelmed to move further into a topic, they can “get off the bus” so to speak and you can keep moving with your older kids. The curriculum we use to do this is KONOS but there is also My Father’s World, and Sonlight curriculum. Personally, I think the first two are the best choices for special need kids but that gives you a place to start. If you want more information about specifics of what we use, you can sign up for my free mini-course below.

Knowing what to expect generally is important to my children and we provide that. The pegs we hang our day on don’t change much–breakfast, lunch and dinner, rest time, and bedtime routines. As long as those are not tinkered with too much we can usually add in other events and activities that aren’t a part of our regular day–things like library visits and soccer practice. I wouldn’t call what we do a schedule, but it does flow together in a predictable way.

Because we school year ’round, I don’t stress if we have to snuggle on the couch for most of the day a few times a month. Having my kids in the right frame of mind for learning means I know when to push on and I know when to pack up the tough stuff for the day and call it quits. My main goal right now is to teach them to trust me, teach them character, and work consistently on reading. The other things will fall into place as their brains heal from the trauma they’ve experienced.

Sandra Nardoni is the home educating, adoptive parent to three children. She also does private consultation with homeschool families educating adopted children. For more information on home educating attachment challenged children visit the link for a free 5 part mini-course.

Those couples who wish to adopt an infant or put an infant up for adoption should arrange the services of an adoption lawyer to prevent any potential problems. It is unfortunate but all too true often people involved in the adoption process wind up losing thousands of dollars because they try to go through the process on their own without the services of an adoption lawyer and having their hearts broken. A reputable adoption attorney will always ensure he is at any meeting that is arranged to help stop any attempt by mothers to be or unscrupulous agents trying to obtain money before the agreement has been legally entered into.

The first meeting between the adoptive parents and donor will be the most important where your adoption lawyer will lay down the ground rules to ensure there is no misunderstanding regarding what is being proposed and that under no circumstances will any money be paid at this point. If the adoption lawyer is along, there is little chance that the birth mother will spin the adoptive parents a story about desperately needing cash for the legal costs involved in the adoption. This type of request can be a legitimate one but the only way to find out is if the adoption lawyer contacts the birth mothers legal representative to check and verify the story.

Fortunately, the birth mother cannot put pressure on the adoptive parents to help her obtain legal representation as it is not their responsibility. In order to ensure fair play on the part of the birth mother, the adoption lawyer will request contact details for her including a real address where she can be contacted. Your adoption lawyer will always advise you to never send money, airline tickets, bus tickets or airplane tickets as any money spent, is often untraced, and tickets of any variety can easily be taken in for a refund.

Proof of pregnancy will be required by the adoptive couple to ensure that the whole process is legitimate. Not only should this proof be supplied in written form, it will need to be verified by professionals and contact with the person who issued the documents. If the mailing of documents and information is continually delayed, or excuses are made when the items haven’t arrived then it is probably time to scrutinize the situation with your adoption lawyer a little more carefully.

Another tactic is when an adoption scammer will pose as somebody acting on behalf of a pregnant friend who would like to put her baby up for adoption and make contact with as many people looking to adopt as possible. If a mother genuinely wants her child or baby to be adopted, there will not be any deceptions and all reasonable requests will be granted, something your legal representative would be able to guide you on.

If contact is indeed granted, it is important to ensure that the birth mother and the friend are not the same person. This is another benefit of having professional adoption representation as checking a deception such as this can easily be detected.

In the beginning stages of adoption, adoptive parents must be extremely aware of the potential of getting deceived and this is why retaining the services of an adoption lawyer is so important. As the adoptive couple is emotionally involved, decisions made by them are not always the best but it is important to maintain your composure and dignity if you wish a happy outcome.

Adoption Legal Advice offers more information, check out this link: Step Child Adoption Process.

Adopted children are difficult to read sometimes. Making judgments about their behavior is easy to do, especially when we compare them to non-adopted siblings. An important lesson I have learned in parenting my children adopted from foster care is that what is on the surface often goes much deeper.

If I can keep my cool long enough to get to the heart of the matter, difficult situations do not escalate and my kids are happier, and more relaxed. In addition,they have fewer discipline problems. Not because I ignore their issues (they aren’t the type of issues that can be ignored!) but because I approach my children with understanding and mercy.

How often do we assume, as parents, that our child is displaying defiance when at the core of the matter is embarrassment, fear, or even sadness? Adopted children can seem to exhibit extreme defiance at times that is related to experiences they have had before they came to us. It is important for parents to be cognizant of the potential fears of their children in order to keep relationships from becoming broken.

Approaching our children without understanding in moments when they display what looks like defiance will push our kids away from us emotionally. It is our responsibility to preserve and protect these relationships with our children.

A good thing to remember is that learning our children is our most important job. Use every resource you can to understand what makes them tick, what makes them afraid, and what brings them joy. This knowledge will take you leap years ahead in your journey for peace in your home. The best way to get to know them is to spend time with them.

Underlying emotions like depression or sadness can cause behaviors that look extreme. Relationships can slowly be destroyed when parents attempt to meet every outbreak of emotion with a consequence. Sometimes it is easier and feels better to ignore the heart of a matter and punish but in the long run it doesn’t gain us anything. In the end, we are striving for strong relationships that produce healing.

If you are an adoptive parent or are considering foster care, you my have contact with children with severe behaviors. Sandra Nardoni, mother of three, two of whom are adopted from the foster care system helps parents who are looking for answers for their family. For more information, and to receive a free mini course about foster care and adoption, click on one of the links in this resource box.

Sometimes being the new person in a group can be awkward. Even adults find that being the new guy on the block is uncomfortable and sometimes even downright scary. Why is it then, that foster care programs fail to educate their parents on the range of emotions children may be experiencing when they are introduced to a new home?

When a foster child comes into your home you may be very excited at their presence. You may be afraid about what they will be like and if you can be a good parent to them. You may have been waiting to love a child for a long time and the day has finally arrived. Those are all valid feelings but I’d like you to consider setting aside how you feel and think about how your new child is feeling. They may be feeling like the odd man out, an intruder, or unwanted.

Remember your new foster child may have just been removed from the only home they have ever known. They may be coming from a background of neglect or abuse and be scarred from those realities. No matter where they come from though, most children still feel loss when they are removed from their biological family. Considering that fact and even talking about it from time to time will help you bond with your new child.

Sometimes people choose to throw a welcoming party–especially if this is an adoptive situation. Consider carefully if you should do this. If you were feeling emotional would you want a bunch of relative strangers throwing you a party? Keep your expectations low at first and don’t demand a lot of affection or even thankfulness. Be aware of your child’s feelings and take it slow. Make sure your home is welcoming and that you are cheerful, but don’t expect a lot in return.

Hugs are good as long as you ask the child permission and understand if they decline. Don’t make a long list of rules. Rather, make one statement like, “This is a safe place for kids so we want you to treat others the way you want to be treated.” What an easy statement to refer to when someone has been selfish or mean–and yet it is understandable even for a child.

Being hospitable is the best way to ensure your new child feels welcomed. Try to find out what they like to eat and serve it on the first night. Make the room they will have look inviting. Do not, however, expect that your foster children will show appreciation right away. They will be overwhelmed and may be unable to do much of anything. Ultimately, creating an atmosphere of safety should be your first priority when you begin the foster care journey. Stay calm and provide a calm environment. Only attempt activities that are absolutely necessary and be patient with your foster kids. They will respond most to patience and understanding.

Sandra Nardoni is a home school mom of three kids, two of whom are adopted from the foster care system. Sandra loves helping foster and adoptive parents who are struggling with children who display difficult behaviors. For more information about foster parenting and to receive a free mini course, click on one of the links in this resource box.

The process of transracial adoption is regularly attracts controversy. Some feel that children should be adopted by a family in which one parent shares the child’s ethnicity to promote a positiveness in relation to racial identity and self-esteem. Others believe that the love for a child is the most important thing and the child’s race should not play a role in the adoption process.

If you are certain that this type of adoption is the one for your family you should discuss racism and racial prejudice together to help the adopted child to deal with concerns. As a transracial adoptive family, everything is externally centered and family members must come to terms with standing out in the community.

Others will frequently assume the child was adopted internationally and will address their questions as such and strangers might make statement or ask questions in derogatory ways. You need to be on constant alert to correct less than positive experiences.

You should expand your social network by connecting with people who are the same race as the child through both friendships and professional relationships. Diversity racially should be looked for when you are selecting schools, health professionals and youth groups. Children in transracial families also benefit from going to cultural festivals and activities where they are part of the ethic majority.

Prospective adoptive parents must understand that not having any prejudice within themselves is not sufficient when it comes to adopting a child of a different race. Considering the type of life a multicultural adoptive family has before choosing to adopt a child of a another race is a must for prospective adoptive parents. In addition to using books and the internet to research relevant issues, it’s advisable to do a transracial educational course and to speak with adoption experts.

Though life as a transracial adoptive family can sometimes be tough there are also many positive things that arise from being a multicultural family. It can be a culturally rich experience if the family chooses to expand their cultural horizons.

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